Premeditated vehicular snakeslaughter
Dear Blog-
I did it. I confess. Last night when I was coming home from my 'Italian For Beginners' class. I saw him crossing the road, all stretched out on a bit of blacktop patching and pointed towards our house. I didn't even have to swerve to get him. Never, Never have I deliberately run over a living thing with my car. Sure, I've been tempted, who hasn't? What woman with a rollicking good case of PMS hasn't thought to herself that she would feel a heck of a lot better if she could just get into her car, run over a living thing on her way to Blockbuster to rent a chick flick, and spend the rest of the day sitting on her couch eating a huge container of cheese balls and Reese's mini peanut butter cups while sobbing her eyes out over someone else's pretend inept attempts at finding true love? Maybe take a nap after.
Sure, I could have waited for him to get back to my house, so that this morning he could greet me at the front door as he likes to do. And then I could call the fire department again to come take him away. I know lots of women who wouldn't object to regular visits from firemen. Only they aren't as fun to watch when you are a dumpy, white-haired, bifocals-wearing middle-aged woman. Let me take that back. They are probably just as much fun to watch, if only they didn't see you in your dumpy, white-haired, middle-aged, bifocals wearing (and surely temporary, yes?) current state. But they kind of freak out when you hide in the bushes to watch them as they come to take your rattlesnake away.
So I killed him. I didn't even have to swerve - I just apologized to God, closed my eyes and drove straight ahead. And I'm not a bit sorry, either.
I did it. I confess. Last night when I was coming home from my 'Italian For Beginners' class. I saw him crossing the road, all stretched out on a bit of blacktop patching and pointed towards our house. I didn't even have to swerve to get him. Never, Never have I deliberately run over a living thing with my car. Sure, I've been tempted, who hasn't? What woman with a rollicking good case of PMS hasn't thought to herself that she would feel a heck of a lot better if she could just get into her car, run over a living thing on her way to Blockbuster to rent a chick flick, and spend the rest of the day sitting on her couch eating a huge container of cheese balls and Reese's mini peanut butter cups while sobbing her eyes out over someone else's pretend inept attempts at finding true love? Maybe take a nap after.
Sure, I could have waited for him to get back to my house, so that this morning he could greet me at the front door as he likes to do. And then I could call the fire department again to come take him away. I know lots of women who wouldn't object to regular visits from firemen. Only they aren't as fun to watch when you are a dumpy, white-haired, bifocals-wearing middle-aged woman. Let me take that back. They are probably just as much fun to watch, if only they didn't see you in your dumpy, white-haired, middle-aged, bifocals wearing (and surely temporary, yes?) current state. But they kind of freak out when you hide in the bushes to watch them as they come to take your rattlesnake away.
So I killed him. I didn't even have to swerve - I just apologized to God, closed my eyes and drove straight ahead. And I'm not a bit sorry, either.
posted by Lynda Michaluk Sorenson at 10:38 AM
1 Comments:
Hi Lynda, I'd have run over the snake too, especially if he was poisonous. There is something to be said for firemen though. Woo Hoo pretty much sums it up.
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